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English humour or…not? :D

It’s weekend, we’re happy and free… No more lessons, no more homework, no more stuffy teachers, NO more GRAMMAR!!! 😀 I know you’re happy about that. That is why I chose to write about another thing that the English are famous for: their weird sense of humour or, in some cases, the lack of it, since not many people seem to get it.

First of all there are the puns – the usually humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest two or more of its meanings or the meaning of another word similar in sound. A pun is a figure of speech which consists of a deliberate confusion of similar words or phrases for rhetorical effect, whether humorous or serious.

I’m going to tell you something about puns, and I hope you won’t be sorry. Puns are considered by some to be the ‘lowest form of humour’. Other people, however, consider the pun to be an art form, and believe it to be a highly intelligent form of humour, because it relies on word play. But it was Edgar Allen Poe who said:
„Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.”
You can decide.

The pun is a very old form of humour, and there are many kinds of puns. New kinds of puns are still being invented.

In early 18th century England a common practice when speaking was to answer in a single syllable, made from a larger word. People did it for fun. The word ‘pundigrion’ was coined to describe this kind of word-play. It’s believed that this was the origin of our word ‘pun’.

Here are some nice examples of puns. I hope you get them. 😀

– What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

– A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, „Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

– What did the toy store sign say? Don’t feed the animals. They are already stuffed.

– What kind of ears does an engine have?  Engineers

– Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!

– A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.

– In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.

– She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

– A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

– Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

– A pessimist’s blood type is b-negative.

– Practice safe eating – use condiments.

– Shotgun wedding:  wife or death.

– 1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?

2nd Eskimo: Alaska

1st Eskimo: Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!

English humour is not only about puns. They also have real jokes, surprising as it may seem 😀

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, „What are you doing?” „There,” said the wife, „didn’t I tell you he was stupid?”

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, „SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!”

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called”Tickets, please!” and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots’ ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen’s stall and called „Ticket, Please!” When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’

And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again .

An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.

He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.

„What do you think you’re laughing at,” he cried, „you’re next.” :))

So, do you English people can be funny?? 😀


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